The Surrogate
by Two Girls One Account
Summary: After Jace decided he needs an heir to his company, he asks Alec to pretend to be his boyfriend in order for them to be eligible to apply for a surrogate. After choosing Clary for the job, the two must take care of her while she carries Jace's child without revealing to her that they aren't really together. Rated M for language and suggestive content. Please R&R
1. Chapter 1

**Please remember that all things we say in this fic are not at all meant to be offensive in any way. Please do not take them too seriously. It's all just for shits and giggles. **

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Alec grumbled as he walked beside Jace.

"You're the one who's making me tell Isabelle and Max about it," Jace retorted.

"Well were you planning on hiding it from them for nine months and just randomly pulling out a baby and yelling SURPRISE?"

Jace glared at the sidewalk. "Why do you always have to make things so difficult?"

Alec smirked at his adopted brother, "because it's my job."

Jace sighed in contempt, thinking back the night before when he had spent hours trying to convince Alec to accept his offer.

[FLASHBACK]

Jace strode into the room and leaned over the mahogany dining room table in an attempt to peer around the newspaper at Alec's face. "So, I've been thinking-"

"Oh, thanks for the warning," Alec pushed back his chair, nearly knocking it over as he attempted to escape.

Jace jumped in front of him before he could get too far. "Wait Alec, I really need your help. Would you please listen?" Jace pleaded with big puppy-dog eyes.

Alec sighed. "Fine, but make it quick. Dr. Phil is about to start."

Jace took a deep breath and blurted "I NEED YOU TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD!"

"Wait, what?" There was awkward silence for a few seconds while Alec collected his thoughts. Finally he spoke, calmly and slowly. "I'm going to need just a little bit more detail because, last time I checked, unless you have access to a working uterus, that won't work."

Jace smiled proudly, "I've got that all figured out! I'll find a girl to carry the baby."

Alec squinted. "Not against her will, right?"

"What? NO! You know the Macy's that closed on the corner of Front and Balaclava? It reopened as a sperm bank!"

"Yeah, we got that part," Alec said, pointing down.

Jace's smile widened "No, no, no. They help you find a surrogate and do the artificial insemination and everything!"

"So, let me just get this straight. You were walking in the street on day, saw the open sign and just thought, _that sounds great! I'll take one now and one for the road!"_

"Alec, don't be stupid," Jace said. "You know I've been thinking about this for a long time. I need an heir for my company. I never really see myself settling down with anyone and I need this child Alec! I NEED IT!"

Alec raised a finger sassily. "Ok, first of all, you just said 'it'. It's a who. Secondly, you're 25. You shouldn't be worrying about having an heir yet. And last but not least, you hate children!"

Jace kissed his teeth disdainfully. "That's not even true. I love kids and you know it."

"Oh, really? Example number one," Alec began counting on his fingers. "A baby in church threw up by your shoes and you _hissed_ at him. You literally hissed."

"Yeah but that's not-"

"Example number two, a small child cut in front of you at McDonalds and you picked him up, handed him to his mother, said 'here's your thingy,' and then ordered some chicken McNuggets."

"That's differ-"

"Example. Number. Three. When we went to the movies to see _The Avengers_, a kid kicked your seat _once_. You turned around, grabbed the kid by the shirt collar and said, and I quote, 'listen you little shit. Learn some manners before I teach them to you the hard way.' Then when the mother tried to intervene, you told her to 'shut her whore mouth' and to 'parent her thing like a proper bitch should.'"

Jace almost looked ashamed. _Almost. _"Yeah, but I've changed," he stammered. "I'm a grown man now. I'm mature."

"That was two weeks ago."

"Look, Alec, I didn't want to have to bring this up, but remember our old history teach-"

"Ok, ok I'll do whatever you want!"

"Good. And don't worry, you don't need to be the father, I just need you to pretend to be my boyfriend."

Alec looked shocked, "What? You want me to _lie_?"

"No," Jace said. "I want you to _act_."

"But why?"

"Because you're my best friend and there's no one else I would trust with my child. Also you're very judgy so you can help me pick out a surrogate. Oh, and I hear they're sympathetic to gay couples."

Alec stood from his chair. "So you want me to lie about being in love with you and deceive a government company all so I can help you do something you can probably do by yourself anyway?"

"Um, yeah."

"Why don't you just get one of your whores to do it?" Alec wined.

"Because," Jace sighed dramatically. "Then I would have to deal with said whore! Please Alec, I'm begging you!"

Alec sighed with exasperation. "Fine."

[END FLASHBACK]

"Are you guys seriously going to have a kid together? Ew, you're like brothers though," Said Max, taking a fry from the plate and dousing it in vinegar.

Jace stole the fry from Max's hand, shoving it in his mouth. "Did you not hear the story, Maxi-Pad? I'm only using him as a means to get my child."

"Gee, thanks." Alec grumbled sarcastically at the same time that Max yelled, "I told you not to call me that!"

Isabelle leaned forward and immediately started interrogating them. "Do you really think you're ready for that kind of commitment? You don't even like children. Have you considered the responsibilities? Are you willing to take care of the baby and put it before yourself?"

"I will love this kid with all my heart." Jace said, quite seriously.

There was a silence among them as Jace's serious words hung over them.

"So is she hot?" Max said, interrupting the silence and spitting fries everywhere.

"Is who hot?" Alec asked, avoiding the splatter from his brother's mouth.

"The chick with Jace's baby gravy," the seventeen year old clarified as he continued to stuff his face.

"Funny you should ask, we're actually interviewing surrogates tomorrow." Jace said with a smirk.

**So that's the first chapter of our new fic.**

**We hope you enjoyed it and we would love to see your comments on how we can improve for later chapters. **

**We will try to update every week but it will be difficult since this is co-written.**

**Please review, we love feedback, good and bad.**

**But we are kind of new around here so no flames please?**

**The next chapter will be uploaded next week. See you then :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is the second chapter of our fic. Remember, we mean no offence, it's all for shits and giggles**

SOULLESS GINGER BABY

Jace swatted Alec's hand away before he could straighten his tie again. "Would you stop, we've been a couple for like two days and you`re already whipped."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Don't be like that we need to look nice for these people. One of them will be carrying your child."

"Then shouldn't they at least get an honest look at me?"

"No, once she's knocked up it's too late."

They sat in their respective chairs in the small grey room, awaiting their first candidate. Jace nervously looked through the files when Alec leaned over and said, "I'm sorry, it's been bothering me. Who the _fuck_ names their sperm bank _Kids R' Us_?"

Before Jace could reply, a small blond girl that Jace recognized as Maureen Brown. She sat down in the chair across from the boys.

"Hi," she said in a quiet voice. "I'm Maureen. I just wanted to say that if you don't choose me, there are no hard feelings and I totally understand. Shall we get started?"

Jace straightened, already liking the candidate. "So Maureen, tell us about yourself. How old are you? Where are you from? What are some of your hobbies?"

The small girl stood up, walking towards Jace and Alec as she began talking. "I'm twenty-two years old," She leaned over Jace, inhaling deeply and exhaling with a sigh. "I was born in my grandmother's basement on the same couch that she died on," she leaned down and inhaled Alec with ecstasy, taking a deep drag before sliding her slimy tongue down his neck. "Sorry," she whispered. "I just needed a taste. As for my hobbies, I collect human hair." She said, abruptly sitting herself down on Jace's lap and yanking a lock of golden hair from his head, examining it closely. "You have such a lovely colour of hair. I hope out child looks like you." She stroked his face tenderly. She leaned in even closer to Jace and whispered, "I just wanted to let you know that I look forward to bearing your child and if you ever leave me I will hold the infant inside my womb as a reminder of our passionate love."

Jace lightly pushed Maureen away from him, smiling charmingly. "We'll get back to you."

She smiled, stood up from grinding on Jace's junk and left with a dramatic spin on the way out. As soon as the door shut, Alec leaned over the side of his chair and re-tasted his lunch.

Jace patted his friends back gently, waiting for him to finish puking. "So I'll take that as a maybe?"

Alec glared back at him like he was a three-breasted alien. "How did that not repulse you?"

"Eh," Jace leaned back in his chair. "I've slept with worse." He stood and began walking towards the corner of the room. "Alec," he said, leaning over the waste basket. "I think I might have dropped the keys in the garbage on our way in."

"The keys are on the table," Alec smirked. "What's wrong Jace, you're looking a little green. Did that lap dance upset you?"

"Of course not," Jace discretely picked up the garbage can. "Just give me a moment. I need to go and… I have to look at the- open the window and… find out what time it is." Jace bolted from the room, slamming the door behind him. Once the door was shut, Alec chuckled to himself at the obnoxiously violent vomiting sounds coming from outside the door. He wondered if Jace would be coughing up blood later.

Jace re-entered the room, his hair slightly dishevelled. He sat back down in his chair next to Alec.

"So, no?" his friend inquired.

"No," Jace agreed.

"Next up, Kaelie Whitewillow."

A tall and slim girl with blond hair and bright blue eyes entered the room. She wore thigh high boots that rose a few inches below her skirt or belt or whatever it was. Her (barely existent) bra/shirt thing left nothing for imagination.

She sauntered into the room, sipping the coffee she held her claw-like hand and licking her red plastered lips. As she stepped in, her eyes immediately found Jace, looking him top to bottom, but focusing more on the bottom. She "tripped," spilling her coffee all over Jace's lap.

"Oh shit! I'm so sorry! Let me get that for you." She leaned forward, pulling off her shirt and leaning over Jace's pants, rubbing the coffee as she sat there completely topless and completely shameless.

Jace slowly looked over to Alec, a delighted grin growling on his face as he nodded enthusiastically

"Nope." Alec stood up, practically pushing a topless Kaelie out of the room and slamming the door behind her.

"What was that for?" Jace frowned.

"You're choosing a surrogate, not a one night stand!"

"I think she was at least worth two nights," Jace smirked.

"Are you kidding me!?" Alec started yelling. Jace knew this was the start of one of his little hissy fits. "She looks like she's fresh off the street corner. Call me old fashioned, but shouldn't her skirt be longer than her vagina? How is she supposed to squeeze a kid out of a half exploded hot pocket? She probably has an STD named after her! She's probably in the Guinness book of World Records for most condoms not used! Do you want your child to look like the hunchback of Notre Dame? Do you want a herpes baby? Is that what you want Jace!?" Alec was now holding Jace by the collar and pulling him closer and closer. For a second Jace thought he would kiss him, but then he just spat in his face.

"So… that's a maybe?"

Alec growled at him.

"Ok, ok it's a no."

After Alec cooled off, he stopped pacing and sat down as Jace looked at the folder of the next candidate. Aline Penhallow was a petite girl with short black hair and almond eyes. As she entered the room, Jace could see that the picture in her folder did not do her justice. She was actually quite pretty.

She walked in and sat down on the chair across from them, crossing her long legs and straightening her professional looking suit jacket. "Hello boys," she said with a striking smile. "I know that the usual protocol for these kinds of meetings is that you would ask me questions, but before that I'd like to know more about you."

"Fair enough," Jace said. "I'm 25 years old, I own a gun manufacturing company called Herondale Corp. I graduated St Xavier's high school with honours but never attended a College because I shortly before graduating, I inherited my parents company. I'm 6'2", I have a fantastically lickable body, and a huge package so obviously I'm an amazing lay. And I was once nominated for sexiest man alive."

"No you weren't," Alec interjected, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah," Jace said in return. "But I should have been," he winked.

"Right, moving on." Alec sat up straighter. "I'm 26 years old; I went to Stanford University and got my degree in psychology. I'm currently working as a marriage counsellor-"

"Yawn," Jace stretched dramatically. "I never realized how boring your life is. Like how do you not shoot yourself in the face every day that you wake up and realize that you need to listen to people's bullshit problems for hours and hours. How are you alive!?"

Alec rolled his eyes as though this happens nearly every day and he couldn't be more used to it. He turned to Aline, trying to hide his annoyance. "So, tell us about you Ms. Penhallow."

The Asian-American woman smiled, once again readjusting her jacket. "Alright, well I'm 26 years old. I graduated from Harvard Law and am currently working as an assistant consultant at Blackthorn & Fell. I'm a frequent attendant of the Catholic Church and firmly believe that homosexuality is a choice and is the wrong one. It can and will be fixed. Gentlemen, I'm not here to help contribute to the gay population, I'm here to help you pray the gay away. Now, shall we start with a prayer?"

Jace stood, his face red with rage as he flipped the coffee table towards the wall. He looked at Aline with utter disgust.

"Listen you stuck-up bitch-faced catholic cunt! The only thing that's wrong here is you! There is nothing wrong with same sex relationships. We are all just people who deserve love and to be happy and if another guy or maybe girl makes you happy then you should be allowed to be with them and nobody should judge you for it. And its people like you trying to make everyone believe what you believe and think what you think that make this world a shitty place!" Jace's voice suddenly took on a very ghetto accent. "If Alec wants to stick his dick in another guy's ass, then why you trying to cock-block! That's his business!"

Jace suddenly took on an eerie calm as he walked to the door on the other side of the room and opened it, motioning for Aline to get out. "Thanks for coming but I don't think you are what we are looking for. Goodbye." He slammed the door the second she was out of the room. "Some people." He muttered under his breath angrily while shaking his head.

"It's okay." Alec said, breaking the tension. "I get that a lot."

"But you shouldn't." Jace said exasperatedly. "There is nothing wrong with what you are."

"I know, but some people just haven't gotten the message yet." Alec said. "But thanks. That means a lot."

The boys shared a smile.

Just then the door cracked open and a petite, delicate redhead came in. "Is this where the surrogacy interviews are?" she asked in a shy voice, looking at the ground.

"Yes, please sit down." Alec said politely, though he looked a little stiff. He pointed to a chair as she sat down. "I'm Alec, and that's Jace. We're really, really, really gay for each other and we're here to have a child, _together, _because we're in a very serious and permanent stage in our relationship. _Together._"

The small girl looked nervous. "I'm Clary." She said quietly.

"So tell us about yourself." Jace spoke for the first time after finally pulling his slack jaw off the floor. Alec gave him an irritated look before looking back at Clary with a jealous stare.

"Well, I'm Clarissa Adele Fray but everyone calls me Clary. I'm 24 years old. My hobbies are painting, drawing and reading. My favourite book is _A Tale of Two Cities. _I graduated high school with honours and I'm currently a waitress at Java Jones." She said timidly.

"Don't mind me asking, but why do you want to do this? You graduated with honours, why don't you go to college and get a better job?" Jace asked.

Clary looked down and spoke softly. "My mom is in a coma and I can't afford both, I can barely pay rent every month. My brother's in Canada doing coma research. He sends money to help pay the hospital bills but it's still not enough."

After a moment of silence, Alec suddenly asked "What about your father?"

Clary averted her eyes to the ground once again. "He died just over 5 years ago."

Alec felt sorry for this small girl but he still didn't like the way Jace looked at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

Clary gave Alec a small sad smile. Jace put his hand on her knee. "It's okay." He said gently, staring into her emerald eyes while she stared back at his golden ones.

Suddenly the moment was broken by Alec. "Can you go into the hallway while Jace and I talk please?"

Clary nodded her head and left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

As soon as the door closed Alec turned to Jace. "So who else is on the list?"

Jace held up his hands. "Wait, wait, wait. I like her."

"Maybe a little too much." Alec quipped.

"It's my kid, Alec. I think I should choose the mother." Jace quickly said back.

"You said you wanted my help. Plus do you want a soulless ginger baby? Your kid won't be able to go on roller coasters till they're 27. It'll have more freckles then flesh. Besides, everyone knows art freaks smoke pot daily!"

"Okay you're right. I mean, not about the marijuana thing, but I should listen to you." Jace then walks to the door and calls Clary back inside. But before Alec has the chance to speak he shouted. "Congratulations we have chosen you to be our surrogate!"

A giant smile grew on Clary's face. "Really? Thank you so much. You won't regret it!"

Alec glared at Jace then plastered a fake smile on his face and looked over at Clary. "Great. We'll see you in a few days." He said through clenched teeth.

**We hope you enjoyed this chapter. We know it is a bit early but we were just so excited to upload it. We will try to update ****_more or less_**** every week. **

**Please leave us any constructive criticism, we love hearing ideas on how we can improve for later chapters. **

**xoxo**

**-R & A **


	3. Chapter 3

**We are so sorry that this is late but I (A) was in New York for the weekend so we were not able to finish the chapter until now. Please don't be mad :'(**

**In our earlier chapter, we received a comment saying that they were insulted by a comment we made. Please realize that we were not trying to generalize in any way and we specifically said that we meant no offence to any of our readers. R and I both come from catholic households and were raised in the Christian faith. We in no way meant to offend anyone with the comments we made or will make in the future. You've been warned.**

**And about the comment asking for Magnus... Be patient my pretties ;)**

**Please remember that we mean no offence to anyone by the things we write. It's all for shits and giggles. **

**Anyway, enjoy the chapter! Remember, we love hearing constructive criticism and ideas on how we can improve for later chapters and make this story better.**

NO SHOWERING ON TUESDAYS

"Remind me again why she couldn't just take a taxi?" Alec said, putting his feet up on the dashboard.

"First of all," Jace looked over to his adopted brother. "She will be carrying my child. The least we can do is pick her up from her apartment. And secondly," Jace flicked Alec's shoes sitting on the corvette's dash. "This is a nice car. I don't want your old man shoe footprints on it."

"This is your least expensive car."

"That doesn't mean I love it any less," Jace said as they pulled into the parking lot of the Brooklyn apartment complex.

"Wow, what a dump," Alec muttered as he stepped out of Jace's cheapest car. They walked to the door and opened it. No security lock. "What's her room number again?"

"Apartment 221B."

The boys walked up the two flights of stairs to Clary's apartment and knocked on the green, mold stained door. The small redhead peeked through the door as it cracked open with the sound of a rattling chain. Clary slammed the door shut, unhooked the chain lock and opened it just wide enough for Jace and Alec to squeeze in.

The apartment was… well… Jace wouldn't even call it an apartment. In fact, he would barely even call it a _closet_. There was just enough space in the room to fit a single bed, a dresser and a mini fridge. He saw a door and assumed that was the bathroom, but he was too scared to go check.

"_You live here!?"_ Jace said, barely chocking out the words with his lungs full of mold scented air.

Clary shrugged.

"Is this your stuff?" Alec asked, kicking a small duffle bag that sat on the small empty space on the floor with a box.

Clary nodded.

"Well I guess we should get going." Jace picked up the box and Alec the duffel bag, though Clary tried to tell them not to, and Alec tried to hand her the bag, but Jace wouldn't let him. He smiled, saying it was the least he could do as they walked down the stairs to the car.

The all loaded into the corvette, which Clary stepped into carefully, as though she thought she might break it or dirty it and began petting the leather seats in the back with a dropped jaw.

"_You drive this?" _Clary asked, wiping the drool from the corner of her mouth.

"It's his least expensive car," Alec smirked.

"But that doesn't mean I love it any less!" Jace defended.

They drove in silence for several minutes while Clary admired the leather interior, stopping occasionally to look out the window with little interest at the New York sky line. Soon, after passing many expensive looking mansions, they came to the elaborate entrance gates of Jace's driveway.

"Wait, is this the queen's summer home or something?" Clary asked, leaning forward in between the two boys.

Jace laughed. "No."

"So, Jesus lives here."

"Uh, no?"

"Are you the queen?"

"No, I just own a company."

"With Jesus?" Clary was now practically sitting on Alec's lap, staring out the front window in an attempt to take in the whole mansion at once.

"No, it's a gun and technology company that I inherited from my parents."

"Is the technology the tears of Jesus?" Clary pressed her face against the wind shield. "Wait," Clary pulled away and looked at Jace, shocked. "Are you Jesus?"

"Nope," Jace said, a grin growling on his face. "Though I have been told the resemblance is startling."

Alec groaned and pushed Clary off his lap as Jace pulled the car into the enormous garage lined with every expensive car that exists. A red Ferrari, a gold Lamborghini, a black Mustang, a silver Jaguar, a blue BMW, and about ten more that Clary couldn't get a good look at. At the end of the line of cars, Clary could just see the front tire and handlebars of a Harley Davidson peeking out behind a Rolls Royce.

Jace caught her staring at the glorious piece of metal. He smirked, watching her stare at his baby. He helped her out of the car, taking her bag as Alec took the box and they headed into the house.

"This used to be my parent's house," Jace said, walking through the large entry room that seemed to be the side entrance. Clary and Alec followed Jace through the halls as he said things like "this is the grand main floor dining room. And this is the small main floor dining room. This is the ballroom. This is the library. And over here is the kitchen. Over here is the billiard room, and that's the main staircases going upstairs. The basement staircase is just off the small main floor dining room."

Clary couldn't do much other than nod. It was difficult for her to take it all in, considering for the past 5 years she's lived in an apartment smaller than one of Jace's main floor bathrooms.

Jace led the two upstairs into a large, tastefully decorated room. "This is my room," he said.

Alec coughed. "Our room. Which we share."

"Right, sorry." Jace said calmly.

"It is alright, Jace. I know that sometimes you forget that we are gay for each other and sleep together every night but that's ok because I am here to remind you. Because I love you. And you love me… therefore we love each other. Which is why we are together. And share a room. Because we are gay together" Alec smiled as though he had gas, not looking Clary in the eye.

"Ok, anyway," Jace mumbled. "This is the nursery," he pointed to a large room across from his. It was about the size of seven of Clary's apartments put together. "And this is your room," he said, motioning to an even larger room next to the nursery. Clary stood at the entrance, not daring to take a step inside the perfectly and tastefully furnished room with a queen sized bed, a walk in closet, and adjoining master bathroom. In the corner of the room was a bookshelf filled with books, and a comfy looking window bench.

"I hope you don't mind but I kind of started to set up in here for you. There are towels in the bathroom closet-"

"Wait, there's a closet _for the bathroom_?"

Jace just smiled before continuing. "I got all the toiletries you might need. The bed sheets are 900 thread count and you can read any of the books on the shelves if you want."

Clary smiled, admiring the room. "Thank you."

"We'll let you get settled while we make dinner downstairs. Do you like lasagne?"

Clary nodded. Jace left Clary's bag on the floor by the closet and left.

Alec set the box down next to her. "Yeah, we'll be downstairs while you hang up your three shirts and maybe take a shower." Alec wrinkled his nose as he walked past her out the door.

**OoOoOoO**

Alec stood beside Jace, who was layered the lasagne carefully but sloppily.

"We need to talk about how we're going to make this believable," Alec said over Jace's shoulder.

"Really? I thought your lying was just brilliant back there. She probably doesn't suspect a thing!"

"Yes, well, I won't be there every time to save you."

Jace rolled his eyes. "So what do you have in mind?"

Alec reached over and opened a drawer to pull out a notebook. He flipped it open to a page full of lists and what looked like math equations. "So, the first thing that we need to do is hold hands. But we have to interlock fingers otherwise it shows signs of negligence and distance among the couple. Also, to show signs of affection, we should hug and cuddle around her. And last, but not least, we need to do the mouth kisses."

"Wait, the what?"

"The mouth kisses."

Jace dropped the spoon he was using to add the sauce and stared at Alec. "What the hell is a mouth kiss?"

"It's kissing on the mouth," Alec said as though it was the most obvious and common thing to say.

"So why didn't you just say kisses?"

"I didn't want you to become confused with cheek kisses, which we also need to do."

Jace tried to resist the urge to smack Alec with the tomato sauce spoon. "Alright, so we'll act like a couple-"

"A _healthy_ couple."

"Yes," Jace sighed exasperatedly. "We'll act like a healthy couple in front of Clary."

Jace picked up the sloppily made lasagne and placed it in the oven.

Clary turned the corner into the kitchen in grey sweatpants and a baggy shirt, her wet hair pulled back into a braid. "Your shower has hot water! That's so weird!"

Jace tried to hide his smile. "Lasagne needs a few minutes." He ushered to the stool by the counter. Clary sat down and Alec handed her a stack of stapled paper.

"What's this?" she asked, briefly flipping through the pages.

"It's a list of… rules for you to follow while you're staying with us," Alec tried to hide his smirk.

Clary looked down at the first page again, taking the time to read it this time.

_House Rules:_

_1.__The doors lock at midnight. Be inside or sleep on the porch. _

_2.__Clean up after yourself. _

_3.__If you finish something in the fridge or pantry, put it on the grocery list._

_4.__Minimal noise between 11pm and 7am._

Clary nodded as she read through the list. "This seems reasonable." She turned to the next page, which was another list, though this one was longer.

_Pregnancy Rules:_

_1.__Eat healthy; minimum three meals a day._

_2.__Minimum eight hours of sleep a night._

_3.__You must attend _all _appointments set._

_4.__Take your vitamins._

_5.__After five months of pregnancy; no walking on stairs alone._

_6.__No fast food; don't want a heart disease baby._

_7.__No sex/masturbation._

_8.__No showering on Tuesdays._

"Why Tuesdays?" Clary asked, looking up from the list.

"Showers are significantly more slippery on Tuesdays." Alec clarified.

"Well this shouldn't be too hard to do. Except for maybe taking vitamins. I'm forgetful."

"Really?" Jace asked, seeming a little shocked. "You won't have any trouble with no masturbating for _nine months_?"

"Well…" Clary turned a red brighter than the tomato sauce. "I'm a virgin."

Alec, who seemed almost bored before, suddenly stared at Clary with his full attention. "Really? You've never even touched yourself?"

Clary blushed even more. "No… I've always been so busy. I mean, who has the time for that?"

Jace and Alec both raised their hands simultaneously, than looked at each other, blushing and quickly pulled their hands back down.

"But we don't need to anymore," Alec stammered nervously. "Because we have each other. And we can do that to each other. Because we are together. Because we are both gay. And we are-"

"Alec, shut up."

Just then the oven dinged, making both Clary and Alec jump. Jace smiled and sang "dinner's ready!"

**We promise to try our very hardest to post the next chapters on time! we are so sorry that this was late and we promise to update every week! Love you guys. Also big thanks to our amazing and sexy and fantastic and all those great things beta reader ****Whore Face**** sociallydsoryntd Dec**

**She's perf**

**And our other beta reader Nick. He doesn't have an account. He's just R's ****slave****bitch**** boyfriend who we force to read every chapter just because we can. Thanks Nicky.**

**Please review. **

**Mouth kisses**

**-R & A**


	4. Chapter 4

**So we wrote this on a very old and shitty computer because I can't use my laptop right now. We have absolutely no idea how many words this is so it might be very fucking short. Sorry in advance, but this was what we had planned for this chapter so even if we saw the word count we probably would have just posted it anyway.**

**As usual, please don't get offended by what we wrote. It's all for shits and giggles.**

YOU HAVE CANCER

Clary sat in between Alec and Jace as they waited for their turn to see Dr. Bane, one of the most successful artificial insemination experts in the city. Alec sat slumped in his chair, scooched as far away from Clary as possible while playing Flappy Bird on his phone.

Clary sat awkwardly and quietly as Jace tried, for the seventh time, to engage in conversation.

"So… Are you excited to not have your period for nine months?"

Clary blushed a bright scarlet that made her complexion blend into her hair. "Uh, yeah I guess… Look, could we maybe just sit quietly while we wait? I'm a little nervous."

"Is this your first time being pregnant?" Jace asked, then realizing his question, shut his mouth and sat back in his chair.

A tall man with brown hair and a devilish smirk walked out of the doctor's office door with a clip board. "Clarissa Fray," he called, leaning away from the door to let the three pass. As Clary walked by, she looked at the man's name tag. _Denis D. _So this was not Dr. Bane. His assistant maybe?

Denis walked Clary and the boys into a large, tastefully decorated doctor's office, where he sat Clary down next to what looked like a dentists chair with leg braces on the sides. Clary was not at all anxious to get in that chair.

"Dr. Bane will be with you in a moment." Denis turned and picked up a magazine from the desk and handed it to Jace with a small glass cup. "Go to the end of the hall, third door on the right. If you need any help, just call," he said with a seductive wink.

Jace turned a hilarious shade of white, making Denis chuckle. "I'm just fucking with you. Go have some fun."

Jace stood up and quickly left the room without looking back at Denis. He practically ran to the end of the hall and flung the door open, slamming it behind him. He slumped down on the chair in the small room and tried to calm down as he started to flip through the magazine. Quickly he realized that, though they were all good looking, it was in fact filled with naked men in very compromising positions. _Damn it,_ Jace thought, a little disappointed.

Jace dug his phone out of his pocket and started flipping through the pictures, hoping he had something better than buff men viciously anal fisting each other. After flipping through a few, he saw the picture of Clary he had saved from the interviews a few days before. Jace blushed, though he wasn't sure why. Yes, she was very pretty, but the whole reason he was going through this procedure was because he knew he didn't want to be tied down by something as repellant and restraining as being in a _relationship_. But never the less, he stared at the picture, wondering why he was so… excited about her.

_This could work._ Jace smiled.

**OoOoOoO**

A few moments after Jace left, Denis instructed Clary to change into a bland looking green hospital gown. Clary sent Alec to wait in the hall as she slipped out of her clothes and into the stiff fabric.

Soon after she was finished, Denis and Alec re-entered, followed by a tall, Asian looking man with high cheek bones and enough sparkling eye liner to hurt Clary's eyes. He wore a doctor's coat over a stylish outfit of tight black jeans and a fitted blue button-up shirt. Without looking up from his clipboard, he pointed at Clary, then the strange chair. "Sit down and spread your legs," he said kindly and not at all in a rappy way.

Clary hesitantly did as she was instructed, eyeing Alec as he turned away.

Once she was comfortable in her chair, Dr. Bane pulled up a stool and sat down in between Clary's legs. He held out his hand and Denis handed him a long, silver tool that made Clary cringe when she saw it.

"So when was your last check up?" Dr Bane asked casually as he fiddled and poked at Clary's private zone.

"Well, I've never really had one." Clary muttered, flinching at the touch of cold metal on somewhere that has never been touched by someone else before.

"Well that's strange, because your vagina is in perfect health."

"Uh, Dr Bane, could you maybe-"

"Oh sweetie, there's no need for formalities. I'm basically inside of you. Call me Magnus," He smiled at her from between her legs. He slipped off his gloves and put them on the tray of tools as he pushed away from Clary. "You can sit up now. We just need to wait for Mr. Herondale's… supplies."

Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. Just as Clary was about to close her legs, Jace opened the door, holding the small glass container. He looked up just in time to get a great view of Clary in all her glory.

Immediately he closed his eyes and blushed redder than Alec has ever seen. "Holy crap I'm so sorry I should have knocked I'm so sorry oh my god!"

"Oh calm down," said Magnus. "Haven't you ever seen a vagina before? They're quite lovely, really. Like a blooming rose, or a ham and cheese sandwich!"

Alec wondered why Jace was being so bashful and nervous, but decided not top worry about it.

Jace handed Denis the glass container and went to sit next to Alec in the corner of the room, bowing his head in what Alec would have assumed was shame if he didn't know Jace.

Clary, whose open legs would now be out of the boys view, sat back in the chair as Dr Bane put back on his glove.

"Denis, do the thing," he said. Denis pulled out a turkey baster and prepared Jace's juices for insertion. Once they were done, Clary stood up, a little wobbly, and took her small stack of clothes into the small room down the hall to change quickly.

When she returned, she sat down awkwardly next to Jace, who still wouldn't look at her.

"Alright, I have good news and bad news," said Magus, walking over to the small trio as he flipped through the pages on his clipboard. "The good news is, it should work. Clarissa, take a pregnancy test in about two weeks. If it's negative, wait another couple weeks before taking a test again. If it's positive, come back here and we'll have a look at you. The bad news is, you have cancer."

"What!?" said everyone, including Denis.

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you," he said, winking at Denis. "Everything was so awkward here that I thought I'd crack a joke to loosen the tension. You're fine. See you in a few weeks."

Magnus and Denis left the room to attend to other patients.

Alec stood up and cleared his throat. "So, we should get going now."

Clary and Jace stood up in unison, bumping into each other awkwardly as they walked through the door.

"Sorry about earlier," Clary whispered. "I know you're probably really uncomfortable with seeing that stuff."

"Well, on the bright side," Jace smiled down at her. "At least now I don't need to ask you if the carpet matches the drapes."

**For that one person who asked for Magnus, here he fucking is. Happy? good. ;)**

**Please leave us your constructive ****criticism****, ideas or whatever because we love to see what you have to say on how we can make this story and our writing in general better.**

**xoxo**

**-R & A**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry about this chapter being a little late again. We try to update more or less every ****Saturday****/****Sunday but because reasons we will be updating more in the Monday/Tuesday area. **

Gaynial

Jace opened the car door for Clary as she stepped out onto the side walk. Alec walked around the car to meet the other two in front of the restaurant. Clary pulled down the skirt of her slight black dress before it could slip up any higher. They stepped into the St Raziel, one of the fanciest restaurants in town, and Jace led the small group to a table in the back. Already sitting at the table for six was a gorgeous and slender woman with long black hair and dark eyes to match. She wore an elegant red dress that glittered as she stood to shake Clary's hand.

"You must be Clary. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Isabelle, Alec's sister."

The girls shook hands and sat down across from each other at the table.

"My younger brother should be out of the bathroom soon," Isabelle smiled another glittering smile. "He's quite excited to meet you."

A door slammed open to the left, making Clary jump in her seat. A young boy, maybe sixteen or seventeen, came running to the table with more than the expected amount of excitement.

"Holy shit it's you!" Max said a bit too loudly. He smiled at Clary wildly, awkwardly bending over to hug her. "Welcome to the family, Candy Cane! Hey can I feel the baby kick?" Max got down on his knees and pressed his face against Clary's flat stomach. "I can hear the ocean!"

Jace reached over and yanked max to his feet. "That's enough."

"Jace, don't be so rough with your brother," Isabelle said, sipping her glass of champagne.

"Wait, brother?" Clary asked. "I thought he was Alec's brother."

Isabelle waved her hand as though to say _same thing._

Clary looked up at Alec, whose face was than Isabelle's dress.

"He's my adopted brother," Jace said calmly. "I lived with their family for a while after my parents died." Jace pulled out a chair next to Clary, pouring her a glass of water.

"Candy Cane? Really?" Clary looked at Max.

"Well, you have red hair and white skin so I- ugh," Max coughed as he recovered from Isabelle smacking him in the stomach.

"I take it Rat-Face is coming," Jace muttered to Isabelle across the table, nodding to the empty chair beside her. Isabelle, clearly too annoyed to answer him, simply rolled her eyes and pored some more champagne.

"Rat-Face?" Clary asked.

Jace nodded, pulling the champagne bottle from Isabelle before she could fill her glass again. "Izzy's pet hamster. Oh, sorry, her boyfriend." Jace slapped Max's hand as he tried to reach for the champagne bottle. Jace shook his head. "Maybe in a few years, kid."

There was a crash behind the group, followed by another crash and a string of swear words and apologies. "Sorry, let me help you with th-fuck! Stop moving, I'm trying to get the spaghetti out of your- oh, god I am so sorry really I-Shit!"

Clary turned around to see someone kneeling on the ground, their hands patting the floor in search of something that had fallen.

"Wait a second; I'd recognize that Jew-Fro anywhere! Simon?"

After finding his glasses, Simon stoop up and smiled at Clary. He ran to her, wrapping his long arms around her tiny body and spinning her around. "Clary-Berry! How long has it been? Like eleven years? God, you haven't grown an inch!"

Max pulled his lips away from the champagne bottle with a pop. "Uh, do you two know each other?"

Clary smiled. "We used to be best friends before I moved to Idris when I was thirteen. After that we lost connection. Even after I moved back to New York, I never had any way of contacting him."

"But now you're here!" Simon exclaimed, excitedly. They hugged again, laughing in each other's arms.

"I hate to ruin the moment," Max stood up from the table. "But couldn't you just check in a phone book?"

"Shut up, Maxi-Pad," Jace said, flicking his brother in the ear.

"Mom told you not to call me that!" Max whined like the little bitch Jace knew he was. Jace leaned over the table and started flicking both of Max's ears back and forth while Max tried and failed many times to swat his hands away. It was finally Isabelle who yanked the two boys apart.

"Dammit, Jace," She said, sitting back in her chair. "This is the first vagina I have a chance of being friends with since high school! Don't scare this one away too!"

"Jace didn't let you be friends with other girls?" Clary asked.

"Well," Isabelle chugged the last of her champagne. "It's more like they didn't want to be friends with me after Jace hit it and quit it."

Jace smirked. "At least I wrapped it before I tapped it!" He glanced at Simon. "I can only hope others will follow my example."

"But I thought you were gay," Clary asked, confused.

There was a pause in the group, until Isabelle broke the silence. "Our parents are very strict Catholics, so Jace spent most of his high school and adult life in gaynial."

"Yes," Alec said, leaning towards Clary. "He was in denial about being gay, until he met me. Well, he always knew me, but he had met me as not his brother, but his sexual gay lover. So now we are gay together, because we love each other more than any other gay person or straight person could ever love. And we are happy. And very, very gay."

"Ok, thank you Alec for clearing that up," Jace snapped impatiently.

Jace paid the bill for the night (shocker). The three got back into the Rolls Royce and drove back to Jace's Jesus Hut, which is Clary's new name for Jace's ostentatiously large mansion.

Once Clary was tucked tightly in her bed, Jace stood beside Alec in her doorway, with his hand on the light switch like a parent telling their child good night.

"Do you want us to read you a bedtime story?" Jace asked sarcastically.

"No," Alec slammed the door.

**ATTENTION! After writing this chapter, R and I have absolutely nothing to do and are hopelessly bored. So we've decided to have a little contest... The person who can make us laugh the hardest with their comment will get a PM with the spoiler of their choice! The contest is open until the next chapter is posted. Let the games begin, my pretties ;)**

**Word of the week; Gaynial - meaning to be in denial about being gay!**

**Let us just put this out there now; we do not want to see comments that say "this was such a filler chapter!" well listen you spoiled brats! The majority of these will be filler chapters and how dare you go ahead and assume we have some kind of huge plot planned! How dare you assume we would take a break from stuffing our faces just to put work into this. You disgust me!**

**Fuck you asshats**

**Nah, we're just kidding. We love you guys. **

**Please remember to leave any kind of feedback because we love to hear about how we can make this story better for future chapters!**

**Peace out bitches!**

**-R & A**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry this chapter is a day late. R and I both have research projects due tomorrow so we've had to work on both for the past few days. Please forgive us?**

MY LOINS ARE ON FIRE

"Well, I've got good news," Magnus said, looking at the screen that showed two distinct heart beats. "You've definitely got some bread cooking."

"That's great!" Jace cheered, hugging Alec enthusiastically. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

Denis, who was working at Magnus's desk, turned to Jace. "Calm down, Pretty Boy. It's only been a few weeks. The only thing it is right now is a potato."

Jace just rolled his eyes as Clary wiped off the blue goop from the ultrasound and pulled down her shirt to cover her stomach. The three walked out to the small sitting room where Isabelle, Simon and Max were playing charades. Max was standing in front of the two, waving one arm wildly and held his other hand to his mouth like he was talking into a radio. He continued his little act while Isabelle attempted to guess a million things at once. "Sex in the City? The Notebook? The Vow? Fifty Shades of Grey? Sixteen Candles? Mean Girls?"

Max stopped waving his arm, clearly exasperated. Simon leaned forward with a bored expression and opened his mouth like he was finally ready to give Max a break and say the answer.

"It's Star Wars," Clary said.

"Thank you!" Max said, plopping down on the empty chair. "At least someone here understands me."

"Anyway," Clary said with a big smile. "Good news! Dr. Bane said I'm pregnant!" She jumped excitedly and Isabelle gave her an enthusiastic hug.

"I say we celebrate," Simon said, standing up from his chair his a small groan.

"Sounds great," Alec rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I really need to get drunk."

"I have a great idea," Simon said, coming to stand with the group. "It's open mike night at Java Jones and my friend is reading some of his poetry. I promised I would go. We may as well all go together!"

"Is he any good?" Clary asked.

Simon hesitated. "Yeeaah… He's great!"

"As long as there's Irish coffee," Alec muttered.

**OoOoOoO**

The group entered the café and found a table close to the stage. The stage was dimly lit with a stool in the middle of the floor. In the background there was a low snapping recording playing. Suddenly the spotlights began to circle the stage in a dramatic, circus like way. A voice came on over the speaker, talking in a wrestling referee voice. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people who were dragged here by their friends," Jace raised his hand. "Please welcome the amazing, the spectacular, the phenomenal, the sexy, the totally non-virgin who does not live with his mom, and totally has a hot and non-fictional girlfriend, THE SEX MACHINE!"

A guy wearing his shaggy hair tucked into a beanie and low riding jeans that showed waaayyy more than Clary wanted to see slid on stage on his knees, tipping the mike stand onto his lap and began speaking in the same voice as the announcer. "Good evening, admirers."

Jace leaned in to Clary, whispering in her ear. "Did he just introduce himself?"

Clary giggled, before focusing on the speakers face. "Holy shit. Simon, you didn't tell me it was Eric! We need to leave!"

"Hey, common," Simon pushed Clary down back into her seat. "He's gotten better. Just give him a chance."

Eric cleared his throat obnoxiously into the microphone several times before swallowing whatever he had coughed up. He then turned to the audience dramatically and started what he probably, and very sadly what he had been working on for weeks.

"Ice burns as hot as fire,

My loins are on fire.

You are my only desire,

I wish I grew up in the shire.

You are my loins only desire,

Bitch, imma tap you like a faucet!"

Eric dropped the mike, whipping a stray tear from his eye and jumping off stage spread eagle, only to land on his face with a disgusting crack.

There was a shocked silence in the crowd as Eric bled on the floor. The only noise was coming from Max, who was giving Eric a standing ovation, balling like the bitch Jace knew he was. Max ran over to Eric's side, pulling him to his feet and wrapping his arms around him.

"That was beautiful, man," he sobbed into his shoulder. "It's like you read my mind!"

Clary turned to Simon. "I thought you said he got better!"

Simon shrugged. "It rhymed this time."

Clary frowned. "He literally rhymed fire with fire."

"Just shut up and let him have his moment."

Jace ripped Max from Eric a bit too violently. "Moment over. We're leaving."

Isabelle jumped out of her seat, excited. "We should all go to that new restaurant that just opened up in Times Square. We can stop at my apartment on the way to get changed."

"But we all look fine," Max said, wiping away the rest of the tears.

"Uh, no. Clary is wearing pregnant people clothes."

"She is pregnant."

"That's no excuse!" Isabelle snapped, strutting out the door. Everyone followed.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary walked out of Isabelle's bathroom, looking in the full length mirror. "I look ridiculous. There's no way I can pull off this dress! How do you wear this? It's so short!"

Isabelle smiled. "On me it's a shirt."

Clary groaned, tugging at the skin-tight fabric. "I'm sorry, I just can't pull this off. It's too slutty!"

"Careful," Isabelle said, walking over to Clary and began pulling her hair into an elegant up-do. "Those are my clothes. Common, I'm sure the boys will love it."

Clary covered her bare arms self-consciously. "Fine, but can I at least have a jacket?"

Isabelle rolled her eyes and handed her a pair of 9-inch stilettos and a small leather jacket. Clary was about to complain but she choked on her words after seeing Isabelle's death glare. The two girls exited the room, to see the boys not so patiently waiting in Isabelle's small kitchen.

"I spy with my sexy, luminous eyes," Jace said, looking around the room. His eyes landed on Clary and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Uuuhhh..."

"Is that like a shade of brown?" asked Max.

Isabelle rolled her eyes at her younger brother. She placed her hands on Clary's shoulders, as though she were a proud mother at a beauty contest. "So, doesn't she look great?"

"She looks like someone whose phone number should be written on a bathroom wall," Alec said, dumping the remainder of the whiskey from the bottle down his throat.

"Careful," Clary said with a sassy gleam in her eye. "These are your sister's clothes."

"Uuuhhh…" Max leaned over and whipped the drool from Jace's chin.

"Maybe we should leave before Jace decides he can't keep it in his pants anymore," Isabelle said, taking a leather jacket that was similar to Clary's from a hook.

"Don't be silly," Clary said with a smile. "Jace is as gay as Ellen DeGeneres!"

Alec placed the empty whiskey bottle on the counter. "Obviously she was talking about me because when I'm drunk I'm an easy target and Jace likes to get rappy sometimes."

"Ok, we're leaving," Isabelle walked out the door without a second glance. Jace tried to follow Max and Clary out, but Alec held him back.

"Could you at least try not to blow our cover?"

"Sorry, she just looked so-"

"No," Alec interrupted. "She looked like a slut."

"I thought she looked beautiful."

"What? Since when do you use any word to describe a woman that isn't hot, sexy, or fuckable?"

Jace smirked. "You forgot lickable."

"Just try and keep it in your pants please."

"Oh common, Alec; she's a nice girl. I'm sure if we told her we're not gay she wouldn't sue us for committing fraud."

"Fine," Alec said in his typical rant voice. "If you want to fuck her senseless, go ahead; I won't stop you. But just remember, she's pregnant with your child, and when you poke that kid in the eye and he comes out blind, you had better believe I'm going to tell that kid that daddy took away the gift of sight with his meat stick."

"Fine," Jace muttered, following Alec out the door.

**ATTENTION! We are having another little competition. Whoever makes us laugh in the reviews will be allowed to input****a small idea into the story. We will PM the winner. The contest is open until the next chapter is posted. **

**The winner of our last little contest is Ficsmith, who won with the comment "Boobies." **

**Sorry, we're immature and juvenile. Promise it wont happen again.**

**This is the second last chapter we will be posting until we take a two week break for the holidays.**

**Please remember to review, because we love reading constructive criticism on how we can make this story better.**

**xoxo**

**-R & A **


	7. Chapter 7

**Yeah yeah, we know we said that the last chapter was going to be the SECOND last chapter before we took a two week break, but we got lazy and just watched a movie instead of writing. Deal with it.**

**Anyway, as usual, we do not mean to offend any of our readers in any way with what we write. It's all just for shits and giggles. **

**If you do have a problem with a comment we made, or would like to tell us that the chapters should be longer *cough* Rebecca *cough* (Yes bitch, I'm calling you out) then please write it one a note, fold it up, and very kindly and as viciously as possible, shove it up your ass. Don't get me wrong, we love our readers and everyone who comments. We take the good and the bad with a running start. But if you're being a spoiled bitch *cough* Rebecca *cough* or a grammar Nazi or just plain stupid, do me and R and everyone else a favour****and pipe the fuck down. **

**-This obnoxious and rude opinion rant is brought to you by Canadians :D**

**Anyway, here's another chapter about fake gays and stuff**

JACE, HANDS OFF HER ASS

Clary spooned more oatmeal into her mouth, staring down at the Taki's menu, trying to decide what she should get for dessert. _Because dessert deserves to be after every meal. _Clary thought, dreaming of chocolate lava cake and ice cream sundaes. _With chocolate sauce, and whipped cream, and caramel sauce, and chocolate chips, and sprinkles, and banana slices, and raw cookie dough chunks, and a big, juicy cherr- _

"Oh, would you stop pouting already?" Jace said, interrupting her beautiful inner monologue, leaning over the table to grab the salt shaker, and dumping it over his eggs.

"She has every right to be upset," Isabelle said, delicately wiping the corner of her mouth with a napkin. "That was a beautiful dress that Max ruined. And may I add there is also a beautiful restaurant that we are not allowed back into. Ever."

"Oh, come on," Alec said, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you could go back in a few weeks."

Isabelle shook her head at her brother. "They took our pictures. They took mug shots of us! All because of that stupid little kid."

"Give him a break! He's seventeen. Boys will be boys. It's not his fault he can't control himself!" Jace said, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"It's easy for you to say that when you didn't have to walk out of there in a dress covered in…" Clary shivered, dropping her spoon on the table and curling up in a ball on the booth bench.

"I still don't see why you had to throw out the dress," Alec muttered.

Isabelle dropped the fork, getting ready to lay shit out for Alec. "It was a black dress, Alec. There was no way I would be able to get white stains out of a black dress."

Alec just rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you could rub it out-"

"Stop, stop, stop, don't use that word around me! Don't you ever say that word with me in the room again!" Clary covered her ears and began rocking back and forth in her seat.

"What," Alec cocked an eyebrow. "You don't like it when I say _rub_?"

Clary squealed, pulling herself into a tighter ball, leaning into Jace's side as though she could use him as a human shield against the awful _rubbing_.

"Alec, stop picking on Clary," Jace said, wrapping his arm around the tiny redhead. "Max just spilled some clam chowder on her, everyone calm down and get over it already."

"Yeah, but he spilled it on her boob," Isabelle pointed out. "then tried, _very hard_, to rub it out!"

Clary whimpered.

As though her pain reminded Jace of something important, Jace suddenly pushed Clary away and stood up. "I almost forgot! We have baby yoga in twenty minutes!"

Alec sunk into his chair, clearly hoping Jace would have forgotten. He leaned over to his sister. "Wait, Isabelle, wasn't I supposed to hang out with Max in twenty minutes… Exactly twenty minutes?"

Isabelle tried to hide her smirk behind her napkin.

"Or, don't we have that thing that we were supposed to go to?" Alec pleaded.

"What thing?" Isabelle asked.

"You know, that _thing._"

"OOOOOOOHHHH, that thing," Isabelle winked at her brother. "No, I canceled that thing. And don't worry, I can occupy Max for a while. Now you're all free to go and spend time with Jace and Clary. I know how much you were _sssooo_ looking forward to _baby yoga_." Isabelle stood up and left before another word could be said.

Jace fist pumped, grabbed Clary by the wrist and started walking out with her in tow, calling for Alec to follow. Alec groaned in protest, standing up and dragged himself out the door.

**OoOoOoO**

"Hi everyone," the yoga instructor said, smiling even bigger, making Clary think that her face was going to crack in half. "My name is Lana Doobie, and I'm here to help you and your partner find inner peace and zen, so that you can both bring your wonderful babies into this zenful world so that they too can find their zen."

"What the fuck do you think she smokes?" Alec asked, leaning forward to see around Clary, talking to Jace; who wasn't paying any attention to anything but the instructor.

Clary snorted. "I don't know but whatever it is, that must be some good shit."

"It's not even Mary Jane at this point," Alec muttered through his smirk. "It's just full out shrooms!"

The two giggled like children, until Alec suddenly sobered, as though he was just remembering something, and turned away.

Instructor Doobie told all the women to stand up and start doing some standard squats, and asked their partners to cheer them on. All the women stood on their mats, squatting, while their husbands and boyfriends encouraged them half-heartedly across the room.

Jace went to stand behind Clary. "Is this really necessary?" She asked.

"Yes. Here, let me help. You're doing it wrong." Jace put one hand on her shoulder and the other on the back of her thigh. Being touched like this made Clary a bit uncomfortable, but she reminded herself Jace was just being nice. He and Alec were _severely_ gay for each other.

"Look at this," Instructor Lana said, looking over at Jace and Clary. "These two are the perfect team. Look how they fit together like Yin and Yang. Your zens really complement each other," she smiled wider, which was a bit creepy.

Clary blushed, but Jace smiled. "Thanks," he said, his hand sliding up Clary's thigh.

"Hey," Alec called from across the room. "Jace, hands off her ass!"

Jace looked bashful as he lowered his hand to behind Clary's knee, so he was crouching. "Sorry," he said, almost blushing.

"It's fine," Clary said reassuringly. "It's not like you're a pervert. You're gay."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, yeeaaah…" Jace's awkward smile widened.

When the class was over, Jace said a smiley goodbye to the even more smiley instructor Lana. He led the trio out the door with an enthusiastic kick in his step. "Wasn't that great?" He asked the others.

Clary and Alec only grunted.

**So we hope you liked the chapter. Please leave us reviews on what you liked and what we can improve so we know how to make this story better in the future :)**

**Also, about an anonymous source *cough* Rebecca *cough* saying that our chapters are too short; our chapters are all roughly 1000 words (except for chapter 2, which was 2000)**

**We could make the chapters longer, but with the way we have things planned out, we would have to cut the amount of chapters in half and it would take us twice the time to write. We like the length and pace we are at now. So please, pipe the fuck down. **

**xoxo**

**-R & A**


	8. Chapter 8

**We know that this chapter is kind of super late and we haven't been on track lately BUT WE HAVE AN EXCUSE I SWEAR! Me and R have been SUPER CRAZY busy since Monday is the start of Review week and then it's exams and we are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! so we haven't really had time to get together and work on the chapter. But we took time out of our severely precious class time to finish the chapter for you guys. So y'all better be pretty damn grateful. Do we get a thank you? Do we get a cookie? CAN WE EVEN PASS OUR DAMN EXAMS?**

**Anyway, as per uje (fuck you I spel how i want) we mean no offence by anything that we say or will say in this fic. It's all for shits and giggles.**

IT LOOKS LIKE A PEANUT

_Two months pregnant_

Clary lay on the examination table with her shirt pushed up to just above her belly button, waiting for Dr. Bane to come back from the bathroom. Denis stood at his boss's desk, playing with the model vagina that sat next to the computer. Jace sat next to Clary, twirling his thumbs awkwardly. Alec sat at the other end of the room, playing angry birds on his phone on full volume; clearly not giving two shits about what's happening.

The door to the office opened as Magnus entered, pulling on his latex gloves. Alec looked up just as he entered.

"Hey doc, settle an argument for us." Alec shoved his phone into his pocket and smirked at Clary. "Tell the little ginger that the tool you used was _not_ a turkey baster!"

Magnus walked over to his desk, opened a drawer and pulled out the tool that he used to inseminate Clary. "This thing?" he asked, holding a clear tube with a blue top. "Yeah, this is a turkey baster."

"_What?" _Alec stammered.

"Yeah," Magnus slipped the turkey baster back into his drawer. "I used to have the actual tool thingy, but Denis broke it when he was trying to-"

Denis suddenly flung the model vagina across the room. It hit the wall and the clay uterus and fallopian tubes fell to the ground in pieces.

"Hey," Magnus exclaimed in outrage. "I made that in arts and crafts in the 7th grade! Dammit Denis!" Dr. Bane turned back to Clary abruptly. "Any who, shall we look at your fetus?"

Denis and Magnus nudged each other grudgingly as they made their way to the ultrasound machine. Denis squirt **(AN: heehee, Denis squirt…) **the blue gel onto his hand and began fondling Clary's stomach. Just as his hand began to dip lower, Jace stepped in and slapped his hand away. "That's enough, thank you."

Denis looked up at Jace and raised his eyebrows in a way that could have been mistaken for flirting, if Jace didn't know any better. He stepped towards the desk and started to play with a second clay vagina on Magnus's desk, (he had quite a few, though apparently the one Denis smashed was his favourite.)

Magnus put the thingamabob **(AN: holy shit that's actually in my computer's dictionary! It's a word! Whyyy!) **on Clary's stomach and rubbed it back and forth in a very non-sexual way. They all looked up at the screen to see gray and black static that made very little sense to Clary. Jace however, must have understood what he was seeing, because he took Clary's hand and squeezed it, a slight smile curling on his lips.

"Hear that?" Magnus asked as they all listened to the faint thumping coming from the screen. "That's the heartbeat."

Jace sniffled quietly. He cleared his throat, "Excuse me, I need to go and… I have to look at the- open the window and… find out what time it is."

Denis smirked, "There's a window in here, jackass."

"I didn't want to use vulgar language in front of a lady, but I have to take a colossal shit. Really, I'm already crowning." Jace left the room in a slow run, his hands clenched at his sides.

Magnus put away the ultrasound thingy and handed Clary a tissue to wipe off her stomach. He turned to follow Jace out the door.

"Magnus," Denis said, setting the vagina down on the desk. "Leave the boy alone, he has a dump to unload."

Magnus sucked his teeth. "Shut up," Magnus threw a handful of glitter and made his grand exit.

Magnus approached Jace in the hall, who was leaning against the wall, sniffling lightly. "Hey kid, you alright?"

Jace looked up at the doctor and smiled. "It looks like a peanut."

Magnus put his hand on his shoulder. "I know."

The door to Magnus's office opened and Alec rounded the corner. Jace, not wanting to be seen crying, wiped his eyes and returned to see Clary.

"So, are you excited to be a father?" Magnus asked, in an attempt to make awkward conversation.

"Yes," Alec turned red. "Of course I will be a father to the fetus that is now growing inside the ginger, because I will help raise it, because I am its father… Its other father. Because me and Jace are together. Because we lo-"

"That's nice," Magnus patted his shoulder, making Alec turn purple. "Um, you just turned purple, so you should probably try breathing. Just a thought."

Alec smiled so very awkwardly as he opened his mouth and gasped wildly for the air he so dramatically needed. "Good job," Magnus patted his shoulder twice and went back inside, Alec right behind him.

When they entered the room Alec saw Denis sitting at Magnus's computer, on one of those websites where you upload a picture of you and your partner and get to see what your baby would look like. He was currently uploading a picture of him and Chris Evans, both wearing Captain America costumes.

Magnus looked over and saw Jace, sitting next to Clary with one hand on her shoulder and the other on her stomach, whispering and smiling.

Magnus smirked.

**OoOoOoO**

Clary squished down the top bread on her peanut butter and gummy worm sandwich. "So I took the liberty of checking both your schedules, and since you're both free, I called a taxi to take you to that hot gay club in town. Wear neon colours."

"What?" Jace wined. "But I don't want to go!"

"Too bad, I already called and paid the taxi."

"Fine," Alec said, clearly not wanting to fight it. "But at least let us call Max."

"Already did," she said around a mouthful of sticky gummy worms. "He should be at the door any second."

As if on Q, Max burst through the door and set a large box on the counter. "Clary, set up the TV, we're doing a Triple M, I brought the snacks. And Nerf guns. And Avengers Clue." He smiled, then looked at Jace. "I ordered pizza. Need money." He held out his hand expectantly. Jace sighed and handed him a 20. Max raised an eyebrow, making Jace slap another 20 into his palm. He didn't move, and Jace rolled his eyes, handing him a 50.

"That's better," Max smirked, pocketing the 90 dollars.

"Wait," Alec walked around the kitchen island. "What's a Triple M?"

"It's a Marvel Movie Marathon, Alec get your head out of your ass!" Max rolled his eyes.

"Now get out so we can eat and check out Chris Evans!" Clary said, playfully shoving Jace towards the door.

"I'm way hotter than Chris Evans," Jace mumbled grumpily, as Alec followed him out the door.

**I think we can all agree that Jace and Captain America are both an even 10. But since Captain America/Steve Rogers is a little less fiction thanks to the fantastic and amazingly sexy Chris Evans, Cap gets the point on this one. :) Sorry Jamie Campbell Bower.**

**Anyway, please remember to leave is a review on your way out because we love to hear all of your constructive criticism, positive or negative, so we know what we're doing right and what we know to improve for future chapters. **

**Hopefully we'll have the next chapter up ASAP so we can get back on track. And maybe we'll post aa few One Shots too to make up for being suck horrible people :$**

**Thanks for reading**

**xoxo**

**-R & A**


	9. Chapter 9

**So we were pretty late on our last chapter, this is our attempt on catching up. As usual, don't fucking get offended because we're just fucking around. It's just for shit and giggles. **

STRAIGHTER THAN A STRIPPER POLE

"Are you sure you should be driving?" Jace asked the taxi driver, who's ID said his name was Poussé **(AN: If you don't know what that's from than please, kindly GTFO) (AN: It's from Orange is the New Black, by the way… We know Poussé is a black woman but fuck the police) **In the Identification photo, Poussé seemed to still have both his eyes. Jace glances nervously at Alec, who was trying very hard not to look at the man's empty eye socket. Poussé's remaining eye seemed unable to look up farther than the dashboard.

"Yes, I am fine to drive," said the Chinese-Indian, who strangely had a French accent. He rolled his Rs in a way that made Jace think he was joking, but he kept the accent consistent while he talked. "If you are wondering, my father was Chinese and my mother was Indian. They met in Italy. Then they moved to Frrrrrance." Poussé said, answering the question that no one gave enough fucks to ask. He made a sharp left turn, driving half on the curb, confirming Jace's suspicions on whether he could drive. Alec, who couldn't buckle up because the seatbelt on his side seemed to have been chewed off by a rabid dog, fell towards Jace. His arm went to the side to catch himself before he fell face first into Jace's crotch. Though what happened wasn't much better. Alec's hand fell into Jace's lap, making him grab a handful of balls. Both the buys turned a bright shade of red.

"Hey, no doing weird gay stuff in my car; save it for the club. If I can, you can. If you jizz in my car I'll bring my big black boyfriend, DeQuan to handle you in a dark alley. And not the way we gays like to be handled."

"So anyway," Jace tried to change the subject, asking as politely as possible. "What's with your eye?"

Poussé answered without looking up from the dashboard. "I lost it in Nam. Not during the war or anything. I was visiting my cousin, White Pedro. He works at an ice cream shop. One drunken night, I was asleep and he thought my head was a tub of ice cream. Good old White Pedro. He served my eyeball to a nine year old girl the next day."

The car pulled up to a warehouse painted with neon graffiti on the outside, the sign above the door reading "Dick on Dick."

Jace opened his door, stepping out of the yellow cab. Poussé rolled down his window just as the boys were walking towards the door. "By the way, tell them Poussé sent you. They'll let you right in. I'll be here to pick you up at midnight. Also if you see DeQuan, tell him I'm sorry for kissing his son."

Alec handed him half his pay, and grabbed Jace's wrist, bolting towards the door.

The bouncer, a four foot tall, four foot wide black man, stood by the rope at the door, letting in a couple of people every once in a while. On his forehead, printed in bold tattoo ink read the words I AM DEQUAN. Jace approached cautiously. "Umm, hi. Poussé sent us. He's sorry for kissing you son… and he really wants us to party with some gay guys… so can you let us in?"

The man's eyes filled with tears. "Of course," he said in a disturbingly high pitched voice that suggested steroid abuse. "Anything for my Poussé."

The warehouse was flooded with bright, flashing lights, the dance floor full of people dancing a little too close.

"This might not be so bad," Jace said, smiling back at a guy that winked at him. "It might be nice to get hit on for a change."

Alec pretended to look offended. "I know I work too much. I promise to appreciate you more."

Jace look at him with a blank expression. "Alec, did you just make a funny?"

Alec rolled his eyes. "I need a drink."

"Oh, me too! Let's get some chocolate margaritas!" Jace flicked his wrist mockingly.

Jace and Alec walked towards the bar, and Jace immediately ordered twenty shots. Alec ordered water.

The bartender looked up at Jace as she poured another shot. She looked strangely familiar. He couldn't quite put his finger on where he'd seen her before, until he noticed the cross hanging from her neck. "Holy shit, _Aline Penhallow?_"

She smiled. "Hey, Poussé told me you'd be here. I just wanted to say that your speech was really inspirational and it made me finally accept myself. I'd introduce you to my girlfriend, Helen, but she's on the other end bartending right now."

Alec stole one of Jace's shots off the counter. "Poussé seems to be really popular around here. Does he come here often?"

"Well I hope so," Aline said, taking a shot for herself. "He owns the place. He lives in the loft upstairs. Anyway, have a nice night. The shots are on me," she said, offering them one last smile before turning to yell at a guy that threw up on the bar.

Jace downed shot after shot until they were all gone, clearly convinced that he couldn't exist here without being completely hammered. He stumbled away from the bar, nearly falling on his face before someone caught him. He was tall and slim, his green cat-like eye lined with glitter.

Jace looked up at the smiling Dr. Bane. "Hey I know you," he slurred. "You- you helped make peanut. You remember Peanut, the fetus baby peanut," he said, his hands sliding around Magnus's face.

Alec sipped his water. "Peanut?"

Magnus just waved his hand, as though to swat the question away. "Long story."

Denis appeared out of nowhere, taking Jace from Magnus and letting him lean on his shoulder. "Hey, Blondie. Want to dance?"

Jace smiled, half asleep. "Do I want to- of course I want t- you don't even gotta ask lover boy!"

Denis scooped up Jace, bridal style, and spun on his heels towards the dance floor. "Later boys," he said before throwing a handful of glitter and walking away.

"Do you two always just have pockets full of glitter?" Alec asked, as he swatted the sparkling confetti away from his face.

"It's always important to be able to make a proper exit when needed. Can I buy you a drink? A real one," Magnus said, looking at the glass of water in Alec's hand.

Alec ordered rum and coke with lime, and Magnus ordered something called a "Strawberry Marilyn Monroe," which appeared to me a tall, fizzy pink drink with strawberry wedges on the side of the glass.

They both turned, resting their elbows on the bar, so they could face the dance floor.

"What in God's name is that boy doing?" Magnus asked, jabbing his chin towards Jace, who was standing in front of Denis, moving his arms in small circles above his head and popping his chest.

"That's his drunk dance. Max calls it the Erotic Butterfly. Jace has never been a good drunk, or a good dancer. He only knows how to grind and do the Macarena."

"That makes sense; he's used to feeling ass on him, and not putting his ass on someone else."

Alec laughed. "Yeah, I gues- wait what?"

"Oh please, that boy is straighter than a stripper pole."

Alec swore under his breath, and went on to explain his and Jace's situation.

"You can't tell anyone. Especially not the ginger," Alec said, after concluding his story.

Magnus popped one of the strawberry wedges into his mouth. "Well, I can't make any promises. I have a bit of a big mouth, and don't even get me started on Denis."

_Of course Denis knows,_ Alec thought.

"Please, I'll do anything," he begged.

"Alright," Magnus smiled mischievously. "I won't tell anyone about Blondie liking vag _if_ you go on a date with me."

Alec turned his classic color of red, downed the rest of the rum and nodded his head. "I guess I'll just have to take one for the team."

"Oh please," Magnus said, leaning in close enough for Alec to kiss if he wanted to. And he wanted to. "Don't pretend you don't want it."

Magnus pulled away suddenly when Jace flung himself onto Alec, wrapping his arms around his neck. "I love you man, you know you're like the greatest brother a guy could ask for. I'm so glad my parents died so I could live with you. I mean, I'm not happy about my parents dying. I'm actually kind of sad now." Jace sat down at the bar, letting his face fall flat onto the counter, and began balling his eyes out.

"Ok, you need water," Alec said, waving Aline over. He forced seven glasses of water down Jace's throat before his mindless babble actually turned into something more or less coherent. "Almost… Midnight." Jace mumbled. Alec checked his watch in a panic. It was 11:58pm. Poussé would be waiting outside. Alec grabbed Jace's arm and they rushed out the door. Magnus followed them outside, grabbing Alec by the arm.

"Wait!" Magnus stroked Alec's face tenderly. "When will I see you again?"

Alec looked at him, confused. "No, seriously," Magnus said. "You never set another appointment."

"Oh, umm, I'll call you."

"Please do," Magnus said, winking.

Alec turned, his face flaming **(AN: as well as the rest of him, aka; flaming gay)** and got in the taxi next to Jace.

It wasn't until he got home that he noticed that he was missing one of his sneakers. It must have fallen off while he was running towards the car.

Poussé let them out at the curb, saying he didn't feel like driving up Jace's long driveway, because his knee's been giving him trouble since White Pedro sniffed exotic glue and thought his knee was a golf tee.

The boys walked silently down Jace's never ending driveway, until they finally reached the house. They entered through the garage as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake Max and Clary.

They walked into the living room, where Avengers: Age of Ultron was still playing on the TV. **(AN: So, if Max was born in 1998 and he's 17 now, that means that it's 2016 and Age of Ultron would totally be out by then, so fuck your logic and mine because they have it one blueray.) **They could barely see the TV, that was mostly hidden behind the enormous pillow fort that Clary and Max were asleep in. Clary lay peacefully on her back, under a fluffy blanket, with a pillow tucked under her head. Jace thought she looked as peaceful as an angel.

Max lay with one of his legs still on the couch, his butt high in the air, covered in pizza sauce. He was surrounded by empty pizza boxes. The only one with actual pizza in it was open under his face; a slice still shoved half way into his mouth.

"That's your brother," Jace said, pointing to Max, whose hand was for some reason full of whipped cream. He used his big toe to tickle Max's cheek, making him swat at his face. Jace cackled.

"He's your brother too," Alec said.

"Yeah, but not by blood. Anyway, we should bring them upstairs."

"Pretty, pretty Clary," Max mumbled.

"Never mind," Jace said, scooping Clary up into his arms. "He can stay."

"Oh come one, just because you guys like the same girl and he probably has a better chance with her even though he's seventeen, because she thinks your gay and kind of married doesn't mean that you need to act like a grade school bully about it." Alec said. "He'll get a sore neck if we leave him."

"I found… Alec's oreos…" Max mumbled.

Alec looked enraged. "That little fuck better not have eaten them."

"Ate them… all… Don't tell Alec… Ssssshhhhh…" Max brought his whipped cream covered finger to his lips.

"God, I wish we had a dungeon." Alec's eye twitched

"I mean, we do have that room in the basement that we don't use. The walls are covered in pipes that you could chain him to."

"Damn," Alec swore. "I don't have handcuffs."

"I have some upstairs in my sex drawer. I mean my office. I mean… no, yeah my sex drawer." Jace said, now stroking Clary's red hair like she was a cat. "Anyway, I'm taking her upstairs. Are you coming?"

"Nah, I'm gonna stay here and draw on this little fucker's face. I'll show him what it means to eat _my_ oreos!"

"Mmkay, have fun, honey buns." Jace smirked.

"Don't call me that," Alec blushed, glancing self-consciously at his butt.

"But we're in a relationship!" Jace said mockingly, dragging out the A. "Because we love each other, and we're gay for each other, and one of us is clearly a better liar than the other."

"Shut up, it's because of me that no one has figured out that you're straighter than a stripper pole." Alec said, surprising himself with his quoting Magnus.

"Really, you mean like how Magnus and Denis didn't find out?" Jace said, turning on his heels and skipping up the stairs. He turned back at the last step and called back, "have fun on your date with Magnus!"

He laid Clary down on her bed, pulling the covers over her. Just before he left, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. He contemplated touching her boob, but decided against it. He turned off the light and looked back at her one last time before slowly shutting the door.

"Oh, hurry the fuck up already," Alec said from the hallway. "I'm already done drawing on Max's face. I gave him the Hitler mustache and everything. Did it really take you that long to decide not to touch her boob? Perv."

**So to the people *cough* Rebecca *cough* who said our chapters should be longer, we decided to make this chapter special for you guys. It's about twice as long as our usual chapter, and we just thought that we'd show you that if we were to make our chapters longer, it would literally be just pure fuckery. (Hence Pousse) **

**we would fill every chapter with senseless fuckery, but unfortunately, we would rather keep the integrity and quality of our already planned fuckery without ruining it with unnecessary jokes and run on endings.**

**Anyway, we might post a couple of One Shots later.**

**Then again, we might not. Don't get your hopes up.**

**xoxo**

**-R & A**


	10. Chapter 10

**So, last time we wrote a chapter with similar jokes, people got offended. Even though we clearly told them that ****_we mean no offence!_**** Ladies and gentlemen, bitches and bastards, bitches and bitches with dicks, we will say this again. DON'T FUCKING GET OFFENDED BY WHAT WE FUCKING SAY! Thank you :)**

**But in all seriousness (lol we cant be serious about anything) please do not get offended by what we write and will write in the future. It's all for shits and giggles. **

TRIED TO ESCAPE 14 TIMES

_3 months pregnant_

Max slammed the door behind him. "I can't believe you let them send me there!" He yelled at Jace, who was carrying his suit case into the living room.

"Clam down," Jace set the bag down on the couch. "It was only three weeks."

Max squinted at Jace like he was retarded. "I learn _fifteen_ gospel songs in _two days!_ I can recite the bible by heart. On the way here, mom made me stop at the abortion clinic to preach God!" He paused to take a breath before continuing. "I had to make a paper meshed sculpture of Jesus! Mom's going to put it on the Christmas tree! Do you know what this means?" He grabbed Jace by the shoulders and shook him. "I can never go outside again! Someone from that place might recognize me!"

Jace pushed Max off and rolled his eyes. "It couldn't have been that bad."

Max grabbed his brother's shoulders again. "I tried to escape _fourteen times _before I finally accepted that I would probably die before I tasted bacon again!"

Alec scoffed. "Only fourteen times? I remember my time at bible camp. I tried to get out twenty-eight times before they finally sedated me for the rest of the two and a half weeks I was there."

Max smiled. "The only reason you're not a legend is because you never made it out."

"I did make it out," Alec said. "After seven subway sandwiches and hiding under my bed for two days, Mom and Dad finally found me and sent me back."

"That's why your picture is on the wall of fame. Right next to Moses." Max smiled.

"Anyway," Jace interrupted. "We got pizza."

"Thank Satan," Max pushed past the two boys, walking towards the kitchen. "I've been choking down the body and blood of Christ for the past month."

"They served you wine?"

"Nah, it might have been grape juice. But then again, it might have been blood. I'm not sure."

"Glad to know that place hasn't changed you."

The boys entered the kitchen and Max attacked the pizza box, devouring three pieces in one bite. Clary rounded the corner with an empty pizza box in her hand and tomato stains on the white shirt that Jace recognised as his. Jace took the empty pizza box from Clary and went to the garage to recycle. Because Jace is not an ass to the environment. Don't litter, kids.

"Clary!" Max screamed, violently throwing his arms around her and tenderly stroking her hair. "You have no idea what it's like to touch a human being after so long with no physical contact whatsoever!" Max pulled away, slightly, so he could look at her face. "You got bigger."

Clary, who just before was picking pizza out of her teeth, began to hyperventilate. Her eyes welled with tears. "YOU THINK I'M FAT?"

Max backpedaled so fucking fast he almost got whiplash. "No- no- n- no no no, the baby is fat."

She squealed like a stuffed pig. "You think my baby is fat?" she squeaked.

"What? No! You're pregnant!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

Max turned to Jace, who just re-entered the room. "Help me!"

Jace grabbed Clary and wrapped his arms around her protectively, wiping away her tears with his shirt. "It's ok, Clare-Bear. I promise I'll beat Maxi-Pad. Do you want me to take you to the grocery store? I'll get you whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?" Clary repeated.

"Whatever you want," Jace nodded his head and led Clary towards the garage, shooting Max the finger over his shoulder.

**OoOoOoO**

"I'm hungry," Clary moaned from the passenger seat.

"We're on the way to the store now; you can have a snack there."

"But I'm hungry _nooow_!" Clary complained.

Jace sighed in exasperation and pulled into the McDonalds drive thru. Clary leaned over Jace, out of the driver side window, and spoke into the mic. "Uh, hi, I'll have three Big Macs, heavy all on all of them. Two Angus burgers, again heavy all. Four chicken wraps, extra chicken, extra cheese, extra mayo, extra lettuce. Some chicken nuggets, like thirty chicken nuggets. All extra crispy, and give me like five of every kind of sauce. I'll have a hamburger happy meal, with extra fries and an extra burger, cheese on both. Don't forget the toy. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand a diet coke."

Clary leaned away from the window, looking pleased with herself as Jace began to drive away. "Wait!" she screamed, and Jace looked at her in shock, before he realized what she wanted and threw the car into reverse. "Diet is bad for the baby," she said. She leaned over him again and threw herself halfway out the window. "I'd like to change the last part of my order. Instead of a diet coke, I'll have a regular coke, please. And a chocolate shake. Both large." She looked at Jace. "Do you want anything?"

Jace shook his head. "I'll just have some of your fries."

Clary nodded her head and leaned back out the window. "And an extra fry. Large." As they finally pulled away from the speaker, Clary shook her head, muttering to herself. "The fuck does he think he is. 'I'll have some of your fries,' the hell you will bitch."

Jace smiled. He wasn't sure if he was meant to hear any of that.

As they pulled away from McDonalds, Clary buried in bags of food, Jace managed to snatch a single fry before the rest were devoured by the vacuum that was Clary Fray.

Once they reached the grocery store, Clary bolted from the car and ran into the building like it was on fire and she left her chicken inside. Jace tried to keep up with her, but even though his legs much longer, that bitch could run. Shit, she was motivated.

Jace took his time walking to the door, while Clary attempted to tear apart the chain that held the carts together. Jace, finally reaching the door, handed Clary a quarter. She jammed it into the slot and pulled out the cart, running towards the cake isle. _Oh god._

By the time Jace caught up with her, the cart already contained a box of cake mix and seven tubs of icing. "Uh, Clary… Why do you need seven tubs of icing for one cake?"

Clary snatched the cake mix from his hands. "I'm not going to actually make the cake. I'll eat it in the shower, god!" She threw the box back into the cart and waddled into the cereal aisle. She grabbed a box of Lucky Charms, opened it, dumped half the content into her mouth and swallowed in one bite. She tossed the box into the cart and kept walking. Jace knew things would take a turn for the worst when she shuffled over to the meat section and began looking at the whole pigs. _Shit. _

Jace ran to Clary, shoving over a small child in the process but not really caring. "Clary," He said, trying to pull her away from the meat. "I'm making salad and chicken stir fry for dinner. Those will go bad in a day; we won't be able to eat it."

Clary looked at him innocently. "Yeah, we're having chicken stir fry with a side of whole pig."

"N-no."

"Jace, if you're worried about wasting food, don't worry. I'll eat it all. Really, I won't even need your help."

"No, Clary, I'm not buying you a whole pig. That's disgusting."

"You think I'm disgusting?"

"No, I think that's disgusting."

"You think I'm disgusting." Clary began to sniffle, wiping her eyes as though there were tears.

Jace rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, lifting the pig into the cart.

"Yay!" Clary said, then telling him to put that pig back. She wanted the bigger one.

Once they were finally back in the car, it was dark outside. The trunk and back seats were stuffed with every kind of food ever. They drove down the highway in silence.

"I'm hungry," Clary muttered.

"Well, we're almost home. I'm going to make dinner as soon as we finish unloading the gro-"

"I'm hungry now."

"Then why don't you get one of your snacks from the back?" Jace asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

"I want KFC."

"Clar-"

Clary grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it towards her, making the car take a hard right into the KFC parking lot.

"Clary, you're not eating KFC, it'll ruin your appetite for dinner."

Clary looked into Jace's eyes as if this were the most meaningful thing she ever said. "I promise you, it won't,"

Take a wild guess on who she made get out of the car and get her three buckets of chicken. I'll give you a hint; it wasn't the little redhead that was sitting in the car, eating a precooked chicken, waiting for her chicken.

Finally, _finally,_ after two more food stops, a bathroom break, and Clary making Jace pull over so she could pet the dog that was being walked, they pulled into the driveway. What would usually have been a ten minute drive for Jace took him almost two hours.

He looked over at Clary, who was asleep in the passenger seat, covered in chicken bones and barbeque sauce. He smiled. _She looks so beautiful._

He got out of the car and walked over to her side, unbuckling her seat belt and wiping the barbeque sauce from her face with his thumb. He carried her upstairs to her room as gently as he could; only hitting her head on the wall twice.

Once he reached her room, Jace set her down on the bed. Clary grabbed his wrist as he pulled away. "Is dinner ready? I'm hungry."

Jace smiled. "Not yet, but I'll come and get you when it is."

Clary smiled peacefully. "Ok, don't eat my pig."

**The best part about this chapter is that Clary is so damn relatable. I remember the good old days when I had to ask my mom for a whole pig. She doesn't even ask me what I want from the grocery store now. Good times. **

**Anyway, please leave us a review because we love to hear your opinion (good or bad) and want to know how to make this story better for the future. **

**jk its already ****_flawless_**

**jk seriously we love reading all your reviews. **

**xoxo**

**-R & A**


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